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 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)

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Dear Leader
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Dear Leader

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PostSubject: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:20 pm

11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)

1. Kim plans to solve North Korea's famine by breeding giant rabbits.
This is my all-time favorite Kim Jong-Il story. In 2006, Kim finds out that there's a guy in Germany who breeds giant rabbits. Seriously huge rabbits. Like, rabbits the size of dogs.

And Kim just becomes enamored of these, to the point where he decides that giant rabbits will be the solution to his country's widespread hunger problems.

Not Photoshopped. This is Szmolinsy with one of the giant rabbits that
captured Kim Jong-Il's heart... and eventually found its way into his
birthday dinner.
So Kim gets in touch with 68-year-old Karl Szmolinsky of Berlin, the world's foremost breeder of giant rabbits, and says he wants Szmolinsky to come to Pyongyang and set up a farm to breed these rabbits. For Kim believes that the meat yielded by these rabbits will end his people's starvation.

Szmolinsky tells Kim this is, quite frankly, the dumbest idea possible. These rabbits only yield about 15 pounds of meat... and they have huge appetites... so they eat way more than that in carrots, potatoes and other vegetables. If anything, breeding giant rabbits would make the North Korea hunger situation even worse.

Undeterred, Kim pays for 12 rabbits, at a cost of about $115 each. He tells Szmolinsky that the rabbits will be kept at a petting zoo in Pyongyang and, in a few months, Szmolinsky will be flown in to help really set up a farm for breeding.

In February of 2007, about five or six months later, Szmolinsky gets a call from a North Korean official canceling that trip. Why? Because, Szmolinsky believes, Kim couldn't resist... and ate the giant rabbits to celebrate his birthday.

2. Kim shoots a 38 under par, complete with 11 holes-in-one, his first time golfing.
You may not know this, but, according to the state-run North Korean media, Kim Jong-Il is the best golfer in history.

Back in 1994, North Korea's first golf course was opened in Pyongyang, and Kim decided to play it. He'd never golfed before, but wow, was he a natural.

In his first-ever round of golf, he shot a world-record 38 under par... including another world record 11 holes-in-one! And even though all 17 of his bodyguards were eyewitnesses and swear they saw that go down, for some reason, the round-eye devils at "Guinness" fail to recognize either record.

After that round, the media tells us, Kim decided to retire from golf forever, lest he ruin it for us mortals.

3. Kim becomes the world's largest buyer of Hennessy.
Much like LL Cool J, The Luniz and Oscar Schindler, Kim Jong-Il loves tippin' some Hennessy. So he imports approximately $750,000 worth of it every year.

(The average member of the North Korean proletariat makes about $900 a year, by the way.)

In fact, according to Hennessy, in both 1993 and '94, Kim was their biggest single customer in the entire world.

4. Kim loathes his height so much that he attempts to rid the capital of short people.
Kim Jong-Il is only 5-foot-3. He hates this fact. He wears elevator shoes to hide it. He reveres people who are taller (apparently, when Secretary of State Madeline Albright visited North Korea, she brought him a Michael Jordan autographed basketball, which instantly became his prized possession).

Kim Jong-Il with Putin, rockin' the elevator shoes.
In fact, Kim hates his height so much that he decided to fix the problem of North Korean shortness back in 1989... in a way that only a sociopathic dictator can.

According to Kim's former tutor, who's now living in exile in Virginia, in '89, Kim was still seething over the success of Seoul, South Korea, hosting the Olympics the year before. So he created the World Festival of Youth and Students, an event and spectacle intended to outdo and embarrass the Olympics. (It didn't, by the way.)

In advance of the Festival, Kim had pamphlets distributed in Pyongyang, describing a "wonder drug" that would make short people grow taller.

When people responded to the pamphlet, though, they quickly learned there was no wonder drug... it was Kim's way of flushing out the shortest members of society (besides him, of course), so he could round them up and have them "sent away to different uninhabited islands in an attempt to end their 'substandard' genes from repeating in a new generation."

5. Kim has his boyhood school blown up.
More from his former tutor. Even though Kim's father was Kim Il-Sung, the former dictator of North Korea, Lil' Kim still had to go to school. Kim was a "rather ordinary student" who ended up having to work hard to do well.

(Which is pretty incredible, given that his teachers probably would've disappeared permanently if they gave him anything in the check-minus/frowny face range on an oral report.)

Years later, Kim ordered the military to blow up the school where he had worked so hard. The reason? That school was now teaching regular people, not just the children of wealthy communist officials, and Kim was afraid that it was giving students too much of a competitive advantage against his own children.

Pulgasari crushes capitalist pigs! And possibly Mothra.

6. Kim's love of films leads him to kidnap two South Korean filmmakers.
It's well known that Kim Jong-Il loves movies... he's written books on filmmaking, he owns more than 20,000 movies, he's a reputed James Bond fan and, apparently, he's obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor.

So, in the late '70s, Kim decided he was going to kick start the North Korean film industry. His plan? Kidnap two of the South's top filmmakers. One was Shin Sang-ok, a director; the other was Shin's wife, Choi Eun-hee, a top actress.

And he went through with the plan, had them kidnapped and brought them to North Korea. He made them eat grass while forcing them to shoot his "Citizen Kane" -- a pro-communist "Godzilla" ripoff called "Pulgasari".

It was terrible, but Kim loved it, and wanted to make a sequel. In 1986, he began working on a deal with an Austrian film company to distribute that film... and took Shin and Choi to go meet with them in Vienna. In Vienna, they managed to escape, and, after a taxi chase with some of Kim's bodyguards, they found safety in the American embassy.

Fortunately for Shin and Choi, they managed to start new lives in America. Unfortunately for Shin, his three features here were "3 Ninjas Knuckle Up", "3 Ninjas Kick Back" and "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain". The last of which starred Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson and Jim Varney.
(Shin died in 2006 from complications with a liver transplant.)

7. Kim hires a staff to inspect his rice to make sure each piece is the same size.
In possibly the biggest example of his OCD, Kim apparently hates eating rice if every grain isn't uniform in length, plumpness and color. So he hires a staff of women to go through each and every grain of rice before it enters his palace's kitchen, making sure each piece meets Kim's standard.

It's always good to see communism working -- everyone equal, a completely utopia, no one abusing their power -- isn't it?

8. Kim makes sure he never gets addicted, or quits an addiction, solo.
Kim Jong-Il doesn't like to be addicted alone. And he doesn't like quitting alone. And when you're a communist dictator, it's easy to have a multi-million person support group.

On doctor's orders, Kim was told to give up smoking.
So he did. And, at the same time, he decided to make every single other North Korean quit.
(By the way, if you're looking to quit smoking, I think the "quit smoking or we'll kill you and your family" plan might be slightly more effective than Nicorette gum.)
In 1992, Kim was doing some horseback riding, and took a spill. His doctors gave him painkillers. Which he was fine with taking... until he heard that they can be addictive.

So, for the next month, every day, when Kim got his painkiller injection, a half-dozen of his closest staff members also got the same injection. That way, Kim figured, if he became addicted, he wouldn't be the only one.

9. Kim has schools teach people that his birth led to a spontaneous rainbow breakout
... and that he doesn't defecate.
Pretty much every textbook in North Korea is Kim-centric. And many focus on biographical details.

A few notes stand out the most. One, children are taught that, when Kim was born (in February 1941), spring suddenly broke out and a shower of rainbows instantly appeared in the sky.

And two, children are taught that Kim does not produce urine or feces like a regular human. He transcends that.

10. Kim imports German cars,
Czech beer, Uzbekistani caviar
and Swedish prostitutes.

Millions of North Koreans have died from starvation under Kim's rule.

But he's not really concerned with that. He's using the country's money wisely. Like importing $20 million worth of Mercedes... sending his personal chef to the Czech Republic to buy beer... sending his staff to Uzbekistan and Iran to get caviar... and, of course, importing a non-stop stream of white, blond Swedish prostitutes to have sex with him and his friends.

11. Kim injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young. Well who among us DOESN'T do that?

Kim sings "wocket man" .....

Last edited by Dear Leader on Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:32 am; edited 6 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:48 pm

01. Birth
Yes folks: Kim Jong Il (who, if you didn’t know, is also General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea) was born under near messianic circumstances. If official reports are to be believed, the Dear Leader was born on the top of Mount Baekdu. When he was born, two rainbows split the clouds, and a new star appeared in the sky that made the Korean peninsula’s nighttime visibility brighter. Some sources even say that at the moment of Kim’s birth, a monster appeared out of the ocean and sang the Korean national anthem.

02. Inventive mind
Despite what you’ve been told, the North Korean government has stated that it was the Dear Leader who invented the microwave oven, the radial tire and the hologram (all apparently before he reached the age of 6, as these are technologies that appeared in the mid-1940s just after Kim’s birth).

03. Incredibly prolific literary and musical output
Kim Jong Il, who among his many titles counts his role as Chairman of North Korea’s National Defense Commission, has composed many things of beauty in his life, such as the transcendent poem I posted above. But perhaps his greatest artistic achievement is outlined in his official biography:
“In 1964 he graduated from the Kim Sung Il University where legend has it he wrote 1,500 books, all of which are stored in the state’s library. It is also said that he wrote six operas, all of which are better then any in the history of music.”

04. Incredible childhood development
We’re all Forrest Gumps compared to Kim Jong Il’s rate of childhood development. According to official North Korean biographies of the Dear Leader, Kim learned to walk by the age of 3 weeks, talk by 8 weeks, and he wrote his first manifesto on the future of the Korean people by the age of 2 years.
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:35 am

Kim FACTS that are 100 per cent FACT.

* According to the Korean version of the Guinness Book of Records, Kim Jong-Il boasts the world's longest penis at a hefty three foot four. It was once ten feet long, but for a bizarre accident involving a rake and the girl next door

* Kim sprung to international fame as the writer of the acclaimed song "How much is that doggy in the window – I bet he tastes nice stir-fried with a side-order of Kimchi". However, Kim says his proudest achievement is his namecheck in the 12" version of the Chas'n'Dave song "Snooker Loopy"

* The recent North Korean Presidential Election (Kim Jong-Il vs Yes, I'm a fucking idiot, please nail my head to a coffee table) resulted in the state procurement of 37 Leksvik coffee tables from the Pyongyang branch of Ikea

* Due to a shortage of hard currency, Kim has decreed that North Korea exists only in two dimensions, and should be folded up and kept in a drawer when not in use. Dear Leader Executive Order for Worker-Soldiers of the DPRK No. 37,046 concludes: "I am not mad"

* North Korea's only website – – offers paying customers "Red hot XXX Kim action". It is the second most accessed site in the Far Eastern nation, behind

* Kim has ensured a tight strangle-hold over the North Korean media to ensure the loyalty of his people, and allows only two television channels: the staid Korean Workers' Party Central Television and Red Hot Naughty Over Forty

Bonus fact: On the orders of Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, Pyongyang No.6 Soldier-Worker Kylie Minogue Statue Factory churns out nothing but 300-foot low quality statues of Australian chanteuse Kylie Minogue, entirely ignorant of world demand for 300-foot statues of an undraped Susan Boyle

More Kim Jong-Il facts:

Random Kim Jong_Il facts generator

25 Fun Facts About Teen Dream Kim Jon II
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Sun Apr 11, 2010 1:44 am

I wonder what happened in that 'rake & girl next door' incident? scratch
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Thu Apr 15, 2010 5:26 pm

William Shatner is Kim Jong-Il's half brother.

Kim Jong-Il modeled for Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, and Macy's from age 10 to 13.

Kim Jong-Il can solve the Rubik's cube underwater with only needing five gulps of air.

Kim Jong-Il often smears Vaseline on his teeth so his lips won't stick when smiling.

Kim Jong-Il had once considered building a telescope that was 1,000 feet long. He thought the magnification would be so great, he would see animals on the moon.

Julie Nixon, daughter of Richard Nixon, was married to Kim Jong-Il for only sixteen hours after they got drunk together in Vegas.
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:43 am

Sexcapades - another Kim Jong-Il crazy moment

......bizarre scenes like this one, about Kim's "Entourage of Delight" — a troupe of entertainers he keeps for his personal pleasure.
"The women of this entourage were frequently summoned to the "Number 8 Banquet Hall" in Pyongyang to perform elegant dances. The stage of this hall was equipped with an elaborate lighting system that included footlights on the sides and even a disco mirror ball hanging from the middle of the ceiling with strobe lights. The floor was also decked out with lights that flashed from below, and floor-to-ceiling speakers pounded out music.

During a banquet one night a group of five dancers in the entertainment entourage were performing a disco dance. Suddenly Kim Jong Il ordered, "Take off your clothes!" The girls took off their clothes, but then Kim told them to take it all off. They seemed surprised and could not hide their bewilderment, but they could not object to their Dear Leader's orders. In awkward embarrassment they stripped down and continued their performance in the nude.

After a while he turned to his cabinet staff members and instructed them, "You guys dance with them too." And soon enough I, too, was ordered to dance. However, he cautioned us, "You'll dance, but you won't touch. If you touch, you're thieves."
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Fri May 14, 2010 8:13 am

Kim Jong-Ill holds a great number of records in North Korea, and worldwide.

* Kimbo holds the current world record for longest consecutive time spent sniffing asbestos. In fact, he has done so regularly for 25 years. It has been suggested, but not proven, that this is the reason he is so ill.
* Jong-ill has utterly destroyed light pollution in his country, so that it will never be found by those pathetic cost cutting capitalist spy satillites
* Jong-Ill is the only person in the world who can play all of Mozart's compositions with the harmonica while standing on the top of a mountain and breastfeeding a duck in thirty seconds.
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PostSubject: Re: 11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments (with links)   Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:06 am

Such a very amazing link!
Thanks you for the post.
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